gripyfish | (no subject)

This is so dumb, but I'm upset and I'm hurting and I just need to get it out so it's somewhere other than my head. Just know that I know I'm an idiot for caring this much, for being the only person who probably does care this much, and I should just shut up and let things be what they are. I really do know that.

For a while now, I've been really dissatisfied with how siloed the game has gotten. And when I say siloed, I mean that it's to the point that it feels sometimes like there are literally people I'm not allowed to tag. I'm not talking about that there are some characters that just don't work in interactions with others for xyz reasons, or that there are people I or someone else have better writing chemistry with than others, or want to tag more often than we tag other people. That happens for us all! It's a natural part of the game! What I mean is that it seems, more and more often, that there are EPs or toplevels or what have you that it's sort of...unspokenly understood are only for a list of about five other people, and somehow everyone knows it, and if someone outside of that group tries to tag in it's just Weird and Not Okay. Which is a really shitty vibe to be getting, honestly.

I don't need to thread with every single character, or even every single person in the game! That's not what I'm saying, and quite frankly trying to do either within the space of a given month seems like it'd be a good way to write my way into a nervous collapse. And I love having my core group of people that I know I can rely on for threads and plotting and just talking about the game. That's great, and I never want that to go away, and I'm not arguing that it's a thing that should go away for anybody. We've all found our groups within the larger game, and that makes sense. It's natural. But, god, I also just want us all to feel like we can try things without it being a violation of some kind of secret rule. I want us to have the freedom to get inspired to tag someone new. I want us to feel like there's a chance for new interactions, new connections that might not pan out to anything much but that we had fun trying out, new...a lot of things. It would just be fun to try.

And yeah, this is stupid. This is dumb as hell because this is a game, this means nothing, and caring too much about pretendy funtimes that I know isn't "real writing" and is utterly unimportant is all the most useless thing I've ever done with my life, but...I still care. I love how much I love this, and how much I've done already, and how proud I am of so many of the things I've done in the game. I love it. It's pathetic how much I love it, honestly.

I'm not going to leave the game. I don't want to leave, and I'm stubborn enough that I don't want this to be the reason I do, because how dumb would that be? But I'm not sure what to do with everything I'm feeling, and I'm just so tired of carrying it all by myself. I need to feel like someone else hears me, please.

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I hear you! And while I know that I can't speak for others, but I don't feel like that's anyone's intention? People post EPs in the main community BECAUSE they want lots of people to tag them, new and old. If they didn't want to be tagged, it'd be a private post.

I'll also say that if you've ever gotten that vibe from me, it was never my intention to come off that way, because all of my EPs are for anyone. And if you ever have a question about whether it is, my email/DMs/twitter is open for questions.

Yeah, I don't think anyone is doing it AT anyone else, if that makes sense, and if anything I think it's something we all fall into in one respect or another--we're all comfortable with certain people, and less comfortable with others, and that's okay! It can just feel like a bigger thing than it is, or something that seems big when you feel you're outside of it which is...almost the same thing, maybe.

You've definitely not given off that vibe at all to me, but I appreciate the reassurance and the reminder that I can always check in! Communication, what a concept. <33333333

Not dumb. There were a lot of different reasons why I ended up leaving the last time I did, time being perhaps the thing that really pushed me over the edge, but I also remember feeling that it seemed hard to know how to engage with some groups to a meaningful degree. It starts feeling like some of that magic of infinite possibility isn't there, that things aren't as organic as they used to be, and that just sucks.

I don't have solutions, but you're not stupid for feeling this way. That much I'm certain of.

<33333333 This means a lot, Di, so thank you. And yeah, you have it exactly right with the "magic of infinite possibility" bit, that's what it is--it's not completely lost, it's just hard to find sometimes, for everyone, and the realization of that is a difficult thing.

First of all, you're not an idiot, don't talk about my friend that way. There's nothing wrong with how much you care about RP or your pups or their connections with their friends/loved ones. Especially in this day and age, where this is one of the few ways we CAN feel connected to each other, and it's a welcome escapist distraction from The Nowtimes.

Secondly, I hear you. I really, really hear you. I've struggled on and off with similar feelings, and I'm not sure why I haven't recently, if it's just because I've been so distanced with everything going on or what. But I absolutely recognize these feelings and I wish I had some way to like... shake them from you or reassure you. The best I can offer is that... they will pass, or they will feel less than they are now and allow you to go back to enjoying the game. But you're not dumb, feeling this way isn't dumb. We're upset by the things we're upset by, and this being a pretendy funtimes game doesn't invalidate that by any stretch.

I love you a lot, Kara, and you're right--this all just weirdly came to a head this week for some reason (because of the plague-aversary? because we've had a weird hard week with House Stuff? who can say), but it'll hopefully pass. I already feel better for having gotten it out, and for so many people letting me know I'm not alone. <3333333

I'm sorry you feel this way. When I post an EP or toplevel, it is open to anyone, always. I haven't been posting as much publicly lately, because I've been having a rough time, but I'm sorry if I've contributed to this. ♥

Yeah, it's not one person specifically, or even everyone collectively, just...something in the middle I think we all fall into, like I said to Angel? Maybe that doesn't make logical sense, but it's this weird blob of Feelings and feelings are rarely logical, ha.

I'm sorry things have been rough on you, and I know that your posts are always open--which I really appreciate, and honestly haven't taken advantage of as much as I could. Definitely something to work towards going forward. <3333

I hear you, and it's not dumb, and I get it, the game can feel... I dunno, clique-y? at times. I don't think anyone's doing it on purpose and most of us would probably be horrified to learn that we were coming off that way, but it's a valid feeling!

I know for my part, my EPs and TLs are open to everyone always and I desperately want people to tag me, and I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel otherwise.

<3333333333 First of all I am loving Danny and Lup as much as I'd hoped I would, so I am already overjoyed with that thread, I hope you know. He's so confused and so intrigued (and maybe a little bit scared).

But yes, no one is at all doing any of this at one another, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise! You're right that we can all get a little clique-y, and sometimes that's not even in a bad way or for bad reasons, but it does contribute to the kind of isolation I think built up to a weird peak and led to...all of this. It's no one's fault, and it's also something everyone plays into a little bit, but I know intellectually that there's not malice behind it.

I know the feeling and I likewise feel bad about it. For me, I'd guess that some of it is that a lot of us want to tag more things than we actually get to. So much of the time, I end up tagging fewer things just because I have so few spoons left to spare these days. We're old and tired.

But also gosh I want to tag more than I have been.

Edited 2021-03-12 03:45 (UTC)

SO OLD, WHAT IS THE PASSAGE OF TIME AND THE DECREPITUDE OF OUR BODIES

I definitely hear and feel all of that! In a perfect world, we would all have infinite time and get paid to do nothing but write, but unfortunately Capitalism. Maybe I just blame capitalism for all of this.